A Brief Account Of Life With Zombies
by Silver Pard
Summary: Sherlock thinks it's all a bit of a nuisance, John is having the time of his life, and Mycroft is Not Impressed. With anything, but mostly his minions' inability to provide a good cup of tea.


**A/N: **Again, written for a prompt – Sherlock and John, World War Z.

I don't know what it is about this fandom, but somebody should stop me.

**

* * *

**

**A Brief Account Of Life With Zombies**

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

Have noticed a distinct rise in incidents of violence where attackers attempt to consume brains. Despair of UK population; is not going to help IQ. Except perhaps if victim happened to be Stephen Fry. (_Mem_., order guard for Stephen Fry.)

Worrying reports coming back from laboratories. Contacted JW: Sherlock not allowed to raid morgues until reports normal again. Don't care how many fits he throws.

Am very pleased with Sherlock's keeper. Have apparently discovered the one person capable of dealing with him, and without letting him know was in any way connected. :)

_

* * *

_

_From the personal blog of Dr John H Watson_

**Anyone else noticed the increase in Living Dead?**

Or: Sherlock's habit of bringing his work home has unpleasant consequences.

You're probably too busy screaming and panicking to read this, but at least that's proof that I'm not the only one who's suddenly been confronted with what we've all suspected was inevitable.

Can an absence be used as proof of something? Will ask Sherlock.

About those unpleasant consequences: walked into the bathroom and found a corpse in the bath. Before you ask, Donovan, it wasn't Sherlock's handiwork. He picked it up from the morgue like the rest of the body parts, the only difference this time being that it was rather more intact than most.

Huge gaping hole in chest – can safely diagnose cause of death – but otherwise whole. No eyes, ears, miscellaneous limbs etc missing. Which was somewhat unusual, but after finding a head in the fridge, have halfway suspected would one day find a complete cadaver. Should really have put my foot down about the head and prevented the escalation. Like training a dog. You've got to make sure it knows the limits early on, before peeing on the bearskin rug turns into chewing on the guests.

That's hypothetical, by the way, especially in regards to guests. Please, how many people do you think want to spend longer than necessity dictates in the company of Sherlock Holmes? Yes, I know that says something about me. No, I don't want to hear it.

Anyway, dead body in the bath – so far, so normal, as life in 221B goes. It stopped being normal when the corpse sat up and tried to eat me.

Dealt with it as army training dictated and went to find Sherlock.

Conversation went as follows, pretty much:

"Sherlock, that corpse you brought home _tried to eat me_."

"Oh. That's not normal."

"No, Sherlock, it's not."

God, I wonder about him sometimes.

"There are certain drugs that can place a victim in a comatose state…"

"..." Ever so patiently waited for him to get the hint.

"But there was a fairly obvious cause of death, so why–?"

"..." There may have been an incredulous expression at his wilful ignorance. Or perhaps lack of popular culture knowledge, but seriously, I cannot imagine _anyone_, even Sherlock, being utterly unaware of something so basic.

"Stop looking at me like that, John. What did you do with the not-quite-dead specimen then?"

"I shot it in the head, Sherlock, what else?"

"Of course. What else indeed."

Just try and imagine the tone he said that in. You'll fail, but try it anyway.

"Sherlock. I think you're missing the point. A corpse. Got up. And tried to eat me."

He sighed, and suggested, like it was some favour I'd asked of him, "Research?"

I'm pretty sure his biggest worry throughout the entire conversation was that maybe he'd been spoiled by years of corpses staying still while he experimented on them and wouldn't be able to get used to moving ones.

"You do that. I'll be busy ensuring we live to see that research be of any use."

So there we are – the reason I won't be blogging again for quite awhile. Fair's fair, though, don't expect anyone else will either.

___

* * *

_

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

Was apparently too slow re: morgue raiding.

JW proves more valuable addition by the day. Am so pleased Sherlock has learned to play nice with his toys.

_Mem_., move Govt. Cannot have repeat of Prime Minister's Questions. Lucky nobody watches BBC News Channel and thus country is secure in ignorance regarding the fact that Deputy PM attempted to kill and eat PM literally rather than figuratively.

* * *

(11:38) JW informs me that the vernacular term is 'zombie(s)'. SH

(11:39) O RLY? MH

(11:41) You are seven years older than I am, grow up. SH

(11:46) Ya rly. SH

(11:50) While I'm pleased you've managed to reverse the typical state of affairs, give Sherlock his phone back, Dr Watson. MH

**

* * *

**

**From: **John H Watson  
**To: **G Lestrade  
**Subject: **Boom Headshot

Wasting bullets aiming for the torso. Headshot will put them down good and proper.

More detailed info/survival plans, see attached document.

* * *

(19:12) Require assistance? MH

(19:15) No. SH

(19:25) Don't be silly about this Sherlock. Mummy would be so upset if you died at the teeth of undead horde. MH

(19:29) JW possesses admirable planning abilities regarding so-called 'zombie apocalypse'. Perfectly safe. SH

(19:34) Remind me to give JW a raise. MH

(19:35) JW not on your payroll. SH

(19:41) Learn to share, Sherlock. MH

(19:42) No. SH

**

* * *

**

**From: **G Lestrade  
**To: **John H Watson  
**Subject: **Re: Boom Headshot

Sherlock's crazy is rubbing off, I see.

Are you

Are you _having fun?_

* * *

(05:47) JW found a sword. Despair of enough undead horde surviving for my experiments. SH

(05:51) Sherlock wants to know if you'll leave anything for him to play with. MH

(06:16) :) JW

_

* * *

_

Boys, I'm not coming back in here while you've got that thing chained up in the bedroom. Really, Sherlock, if I'd known you'd react like this, I'd have let you keep the skull, at least it doesn't groan.

_I made you some scones, they're on the coffee table, John. I used the everyday china, so don't worry about getting blood on the plate._

_Love, Mrs Hudson_

* * *

(12:18) Mrs Hudson makes divine scones. How's the diet? SH

(12:25) I have no idea how JW puts up with you. MH

(12:28) I am hurt by lack of brotherly feeling. SH

(13:02) Progress with zombie invasion? SH

(13:05) Don't be melodramatic, Sherlock, it's barely an incursion. MH

(13:19) Progress with zombie incursion? SH

* * *

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

Little brother intolerable. Regret not selling him to gypsies as a child.

Scientists making progress re: zombie invasion. JW making more.

_Mem_., set up Swiss account for JW when global economy permits. May take some time, zombies appear to be pandemic. Human response is already being called 'The Great Panic'.

Am filled with woe and despair at Great Stupidity of majority of human race. May let undead horde thin the herd a little before forcing implementation of the Z-Day protocols.

Must check tea stockpiles first.

* * *

**From:** S Donovan  
**To:** J Anderson  
**Subject:** Fwd: Boom Headshot

Can you believe I thought this guy was normal?

**

* * *

**

**From: **J Anderson  
**To: **S Donovan  
**Subject: **Re: Fwd: Boom Headshot

What did I tell you. Birds of a feather and all that.

Busy day?

**

* * *

**

**From: **S Donovan  
**To: **J Anderson  
**Subject: **Re: Re: Fwd: Boom Headshot

We lost Gregson. I beat a zombie to death with a truncheon. Simply _cannot _get the blood out of my uniform, and the Met is tighter than a duck's arse and will no doubt make me pay for it when normalcy is resumed.

I think we all know, hand on heart, this is the freak's fault somehow.

* * *

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

Apparently do not have single operative capable of brewing tea to ISO 3103 specifications. Cannot understand why bothered getting it passed as EU legislation if own minions cannot uphold standards.

Z-Day plans A, W and Q being debated by Govt. Does not matter what is decided, have already implemented them.

Re: pandemic outside UK. Will deal with it after operatives have completed mandatory training course in tea-making. To paraphrase HRH, one is not impressed with this shit.

**

* * *

**

**From: **G Lestrade  
**To: **All Departments  
**Subject: **Re: Further Training

Pay close attention to the attached clip. Please don't make me ask again.

[extract from video entitled zombiekillingguide]

"If you belong to the armed response units, practice your head shots. Practice religiously.

"If you _don't_ belong to the armed response units, stop stealing their guns, you're not helping. A gun is only any good if you know how to use it. It is far more difficult to hit a moving target than movies would have you believe, and to hit the head of a moving target without specialised training is near impossible and a waste of ammo.

"The sound will also attract more of the brain-munching buggers, so unless you can consistently hit the head every time, don't bother.

"Instead, try using a crowbar. Boring, I know, but practical, with good weight and reach and-"

"John! Appears subject will go for any living creature if humans are unavailable!"

"...Are you admitting you just killed Billy?"

"No. Yes. Maybe."

"Right. Okay. Well, then. As you've just heard, it appears they'll go for any living creature, but human is still preferred before anything else, so don't think you can use your pets as bait. Back to weaponry–"

* * *

(17:35) Need replacement dog. SH

(17:40) Dare I ask what you did with the previous one? MH

(17:42) It's all worn out. SH

(17:45) A dog is not a toy you can 'wear out'. MH

(17:47) I beg to disagree. SH

(17:52) There should be nothing wrong with the one you've already got. MH

(18:10) JW says you will understand this: zombie nommed Billy. SH

(18:15) Sherlock, how utterly careless of you. MH

(18:35) Sending dog with Agent 3463. Try not to break this one. MH

* * *

**From:** SH  
**To: **M  
**Subject:** Physiology, Adaptability, Killing Methods & Other Fun Facts

[document attached]

P.S. Using new dog as zombie-detector rather than subject and/or variable, as per JW's suggestion. It is now called Gladstone.

* * *

**********From:** M  
**********To:** SH******  
****Subject:** Re: Physiology, Adaptability, Killing Methods & Other Fun Facts

Conclusions of report consistent with research of own people.

P.S. Do not care in the slightest.

P.P.S Gladstone not appropriate name for a Cocker Spaniel. Bulldog, yes. Mastiff, perhaps. Use either your common sense or, better, consult JW before attempting again.

* * *

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

Worry about brother's devotion to science. Report almost unhealthily detailed. Undoubtedly took stupid risks when JW not present.

Had to put business end of umbrella through some groaning unfortunate's eye socket and into brain while on stroll. Am not pleased; supposed to have minions for that sort of thing.

Will take forever to properly clean and disinfect, but am not willing to lose beautifully crafted epitome of umbrella and therefore have ordered defective agent responsible for incident to correct this state of affairs.

* * *

Gone zombie-killing/food [struck out] shopping.

Bedroom needs cleaning. Don't mind Sherlock, he's just being petulant. There's no need for it to remain a mess, and we won't be bringing any more test subjects home.

Thanks.

~John

...

_Not your housekeeper, dear._

* * *

(04:50) Dog now called Disraeli. SH

(05:01) Did I forget to mention? Dog is female. MH

(05:06) But it's already been trained to respond to Disraeli. SH

(05:17) Or Dizzy if JW, apparently. SH

(06:03) That was so horrifically domestic I was temporarily devoid of words. MH

(06:05) Pity it didn't last. SH

(10:12) Will be pleased when zombie 'apocalypse' is over and can get back to solving crimes. SH

(10:19) That won't stop you from being horrifically domestic. Mummy will be so pleased; and in wake of zombie decimation, who will mind whether it's called a civil partnership or a gay marriage? MH

(10:22) Married to work. Do not believe Mummy approves of bigamy. SH

(10:25) Cannot be married to concept of celibacy. Also, you are currently unemployed. MH

(10:28) Have not received divorce papers. SH

(10:33) I'll have them sent. MH

(10:35) Be serious. SH

(10:36) Am serious. MH

(10:44) Zombie incursion logically much higher in priorities. SH

(10:49) Nothing is higher in my priorities than your welfare and happiness. MH

(10:59) Will train Disraeli to attack you on sight. SH

* * *

**From: **G Lestrade  
**To: **All Departments  
**Subject: **Re: Fwd: Co-ordinated Attack Plans

All signs point to them coming from the government, ladies and gents, let's not get optimistic.

* * *

(18:01) Wrong. SH

(18:20) To think I'd almost gotten used to not seeing that. What am I wrong about this time? Lestrade

(18:23) Be optimistic. Proven to have slight effect increasing chances of survival. SH

(18:30) I thought you were enjoying this? Lestrade

(18:34) John is enjoying this. I am anxious for normal service to be resumed; zombies are not very entertaining. SH

(18:48) Unbelievable. Lestrade

(18:52) What? SH

(18:59) Go ask John. It's not my job to teach you humanity. Lestrade

(19:02) It's not John's either. SH

(19:15) Obviously. Because if he were actually trying, I wouldn't be looking at texts proclaiming his failure. Lestrade

* * *

_From the encrypted notes of Mycroft Holmes_

All agents now capable of making acceptable standard tea. Can proceed with the worldwide Z-Day protocols.

With such disarray, may never again have opportunity or right psychological moment to send civil partnership documents.

_Mem_., Prepare and keep necessary C.P. documents anyway.


End file.
